I Will Follow You Into the Dark
by Riveting Red Pants
Summary: Dean dies unexpectedly, and it is up to Castiel to get him back. Death stirs up odd longings the angel and hunter haven't felt before. Sam tries to cope with his Big brother's death. Dean tries to cope with the fact he'll never see Cas again. And Cas, well he isn't coping at all. He's fighting for Dean's life.
1. Chapter 1: The Time for Sleep is Now

**Hey ya cuties! So once again, because everything in my life is a songfic, I heard this song (I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cuties) on shuffle this morning on my iPod and this story popped into my mind, I have been writing away all day! I hope y'all enjoy, make sure to review, I run on reviews like Moffat runs on tears. Also a quick shout out to my Friend wife, Alli. She got me started in writing fanfic, and I'm really glad she did. She has made me a better writer, and read almost everything I wrote, certainly anything I've asked her to. She is supportive, and beautiful, and wonderful. The best friend anyone could ask for. There are minor spoilers for Season 5 so far, but really minor. It really shouldn't spoil much. I think I'll leave it rated something like a T for now, but that is subject to change in later chapters, as I have been getting rather good at writing . . . erm . . . questionable things lately. And besides, who doesn't like to watch an angel fall? ;) **

**I Will Follow You Into the Dark**

**Chapter One: The Time for Sleep is Now**

It had been a hunt, just like any other day. Not a world saving, end all, suicide mission hunt. Just a pissed off spirit in an attic in . . . somewhere Ohio? Dean had stopped paying attention to what city they were in months ago. They had been in the middle of a fight; Sammy was captured as a hostage, as usual. The ghost had Dean up against a wall; cold sandy hand gripping his throat, his iron poker had been knocked away from him. Why do the weapons always get knocked away? He started seeing black spots and he heard Sam screaming his name. He still wasn't afraid though, this was just a scene during any old hunt, and he had always gotten out of it before hadn't he? But then this ghost did something unexpected. It dropped Dean to the floor. He lunged for the iron poker, but the ghost grabbed both sides of his head and-,

"DEAN!" and then the world went black.

It had all happened so fast, Before Dean had even hit the floor, the spirit went p in flames and Castiel appeared beside Dean. The angel knelt down next to the crumpled man, and put two fingers to his neck. Sam watched on in horror.

"Is he . . .?" Cas shook his head, his eyes never leaving Dean. His hand strayed to Dean's hair, brushing it back off his forehead. It had grown longer recently, a sure sign of more hunts and less sleep. He took in Dean's peaceful face, almost as if he were asleep. Freckles dusted the familiar visage, his bloody lips parted, his eyelashes cast down over his unusually hollow cheekbones. He must not have eaten enough lately. Cas felt guilt. If he had checked in more often, he would've noticed these things sooner. He stared; startled at the empty shell of his best friend, but the thing that made him Dean was gone. It was one of Cas's favorite things about Dean. Es, he could see souls glowing from within all humans, but to him, Dean had glowed a little brighter than everyone else. Castiel thought about the last time he could remember Dean smiling. He had just gotten Cas to try something called a "big mac" and Cas had enjoyed it very much. Dean had grinned at him, and Castiel remembered that Dean's soul had glowed so brightly then, it was almost binding, filling him with warmth.

"Cas, fix him! bring him back!" Sam cried out, struggling against his bonds, his eyes boring into Cas's with a frantic intensity. Cas looked around the room, but this reaper was either fast, or hidden from his view. It must've already left with Dean's soul. Castiel cut Sam out of his bonds; Sam instantly launched his gigantic body across the room and to his brother, holding on to his lifeless form. He looked up at Cas again, tears now running down his face.

"Cas . . . you gotta bring him back man." Castiel wanted nothing more than to place his hand on Dean's head and heal him, calling his soul back into his body. But no, something larger was at work here.

"Sam, I will fix this . . . there is something I can't quite explain going on right now. But he wasn't supposed to . . . this wasn't supposed to happen." Sam looked up at him with so much hope. Hope that Castiel himself didn't feel. He decided it was time to pay the prophet Chuck a visit.

Dean looked down on the floor at his dead body.

"Oh no." He mumbled, feeling a presence beside him, he looked up. Tessa. Of course.

"Dean." She said sadly.

"Tessa . . . no. No. I have so much to do!"

"Haven't you done enough Dean?" He looked over to his brother, screaming his name, he watched as Cas appeared and brushed his hair off his forehead.

"Cas!" Dean screamed, but Cas just continued staring down sadly at Dean's empty shell.

"He can't hear you Dean. It's time." Tessa told him, a hand on the small of his back in a gesture Dean had seen her do too many times.

"NO! I have . . . Sammy . . . and Cas . . ."

"They will be okay without you."

"THEY ARE NEVER OKAY WITHOUT ME!" Dean screamed, canting away from the reaper. "Don't you understand? They need me! I . . . I have to be there for them! They'll die without me!" Tessa tilted her head to one side.

"Maybe someday, yes." Dean watched Cas cut Sam free, watched as his brother launched towards his body, tears in Sammy's eyes.

"I . . . I'll see Sam in heaven right? Eventually?"

"Most likely, if he doesn't do anything to warrant damnation." Tessa answered cryptically. Sam wouldn't do anything to warrant damnation. There had been a time Dean had worried about such things, but not now. Not his Sammy.

"and Cas?" Dean felt afraid of the answer.

"No. Not Cas . . . but you can always see memories of him."

"I don't want friggen memories! I want him!" Tessa shook her head sadly again.

"Angels don't go to heaven when they die Dean. It would be a bit . . . redundant."

"But doesn't he chill in heaven all the time?"

"Dean, you've been to heaven before. You remember how it was. Everyone has their own heaven."

"Yeah but Zach . . ."

"Was a special case, a higher up. And it still took him much too long to find you." Dean looked at Cas; willing him, begging him to look up. Just then Cas did, his eyes somehow finding Dean's.

"Cas . . ." he breathed.

"He can't see you Dean."

"I can't go Tessa! Not if it means I'll never see Cas again."

"Dean . . ."

"Sam I will fix this." Cas told Sammy, his voice almost more determined than Dean had ever heard it before. "There is something I can't quite explain going on right now. But he wasn't supposed to . . . this wasn't supposed to happen." Dean gave a grand gesture towards Cas and looked back at Tessa.

"See? This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be alive."

"Everything happens for a reason Dean."

"I'm staying here Tessa." The reaper sighed.

"_Maybe_ Cas will figure this out. But even if he does, he'll look in heaven. If you're left to wonder around here, he'll never find you." Dean glared at Tessa.

"Tessa we've known each other a long time, I'd even go as far as to call us friends." Tessa just fixed him with a leveled stare. "You wouldn't lie to me just to get me to go with you, right?"

"No Dean, I'm telling you the truth." For whatever reason, Dean decided to trust her. As Tessa once again placed her hand on the small of his back, Dean wondered at how he had never felt so alone. It was odd, he knew Tessa, liked her even, but her touch only made him long for his brother. For Castiel.


	2. Chapter 2: Gates of White

**Okie dokie, here's chapter two! I couldn't stay away from the Big Mac scene with Cas. I just love it when he eats burgers, it was adorable and it makes me laugh and any time I look at a burger now, I have to proclaim "this makes me **_**very**_** happy." Seriously, one of my favorite things ever. Chapter 3 should be out relatively soon, it depends on how much wifi I get. SO anywho, here goes nothing.**

**Chapter Two: Gates of White**

"AHH!" Chuck screamed, clutching the shower curtain around himself. Castiel rolled his eyes. "Man you have _got_ to learn to knock or something!"

"Chuck, please, I am utterly indifferent to your nudity." Chuck sighed, seeing the urgency in Castiel's eyes. That was the nice thing about Chuck, he _knew_ Cas. Sure, Sam and Dean knew him, but Chuck knew more somehow. He could tell Cas's emotions in a glance, even when he was typically accused of being emotionless. It probably had something to do with the fact that Chuck had written him as a character for some years now.

"What's wrong?" Chuck asked, the tension draining from his shoulders.

"It's Dean, he's dead." Chuck's eyes nearly jumped out of his skull at that.

"He's _what!?"_

_ "_A ghost snapped his neck on a hunt." Castiel said, his mind in faraway places, brushing the hair back off Dean's dead skin.

"But . . . that can't . . . no. I haven't seen that. It isn't in the writing, not at all. How could that be possible?"

"I don't know how it's possible. But I can sense that this wasn't supposed to happen, so I came here to be sure."

"No, it was never supposed to happen. Which ghost was it?"

"It was the ghost in Ohio, the crazy attic one who lit her children on fire."

"Meme? She was all but harmless!" Chuck glanced down at himself, still clutching the shower curtain. "Give me a minute to get dressed and I'll go downstairs and find what I wrote about her." Castiel nodded and "zapped", as Dean liked to call it, to right outside Chuck's bedroom door, he stood patiently in the hallway. His mind couldn't help but stray back to Dean. What was the last thing he had even said to the hunter? He couldn't remember . . . he hadn't seen him in weeks. Castiel realized how odd it was, to be having these human emotions of grief. When his brothers and sisters had died around him, he had felt saddened. But it was never like this. He had never felt something so . . . so consuming before in his existence. Humans always strayed on stupid questions like these, "what was the last thing I said to him?" type things. Castiel had always found these questions the humans asked themselves after death odd. He had been under the impression that the last words never really mattered, that it was all the memories that were held with that person that mattered. But now, standing outside the prophet's door, he realized the last words _did_ matter. Whatever he had last said to Dean . . . that is what Dean left this world with. With this terrible aching emptiness that deserved so much more. Ah, yes, now Castiel recalled his last words with his closest friend.

_"Cas! We could really use your help here!" _

_ "Dean." Dean whirled around to face Castiel, relief showing plain on his face. _

_ "Cas! Listen man-," _

_ "No Dean, you listen. I am not at your beck and call. I am an angel of the lord. Yes, we have had a . . . close relationship, but I have other business to attend to in heaven." _

_ "Cas! People are dying!" Dean looked at him frantically, his large green eyes practically glowing. They made Castiel wish he didn't have to say the words that he knew he must._

_ "Yes Dean, people always die. They will die today, and they will die tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me-,"_

_ "No! Wait!" Dean stumbled forward in a gesture that was uncharacteristically ungraceful for him, as if he meant to grab at the angel. Castiel stepped back._

_ "Goodbye Dean." And then he had vanished._

"What the hell was that for!?" Chuck screamed at Castiel, who looked up to realize his fist was in the drywall of Chuck's hallway. He slowly removed his fist from the hole he had created, and examined it. The knuckles were bloodied a bit. He looked to Chuck, blinking in confusion.

"I . . . I am sorry. I feel . . ."

"Anger?" Chuck asked, once again reading his face. Castiel nodded.

"Yes. Anger." Cas realized as he admitted it aloud that it was true.

"Why?"

"My last words to Dean . . ." Chuck seemed to think for a moment before realization flooded his face.

"Oh." He looked saddened, but not by the angel's words, _for_ the angel.

"He deserved so much more . . . I wish I could've told him then . . ." Castiel trailed off, forgetting how easy it was to spill his emotions to Chuck, who probably already knew them anyway.

"Told him what?" Castiel felt his eyes burning in an unfamiliar sensation as he looked into Chuck's eyes.

"Told him how much he meant to me." Chuck awkwardly put a hand to Castiel's shoulder.

"Hey man, we'll figure this out. Your last words with Dean aren't really going to be your last words." For a moment, Cas felt hope in Chuck that Sam must've felt in him. The hope only lasted a moment though, before he realized how unlikely it was that he would ever see his friend again.

Dean woke up with the sun shining bright in his face. He sat up in a backyard full of grass and looked around. A fence lined the perimeter of the yard, and a tree grew in the corner. Flowers dotted the long overgrown grass here and there, and in the middle of the yard was an old, worn out trampoline with a very happy little Sammy jumping on it.

"COME ON DEAN! DAD'S COMING BACK SOON!" Sam shouted breathlessly as he launched himself into the air. Dean got to his feet and hauled himself easily on the trampoline, using his weight to make Sammy soar higher. He couldn't help but grin at his brother, laughing out of nothing but pure joy as Sammy flipped through the air. Finally, too out of breath to continue, they collapsed on the trampoline and Dean let Sammy cushion his head on Dean's arm. They looked up at the clouds in complete bliss, not needing words to say. Dean couldn't help but feel that something was wrong though. He was missing something; he could feel it like an ache inside his chest.

Suddenly, the trampoline on the hot summer's day vanished, and Dean found himself laying in a motel room. Sam came in, angel in tow. Dean sat up straight.

"Cas!" He shouted, getting up off the bed and stopping right in front of the angel. Wait a moment, hugging wasn't a thing they did. He let his arms fall to his sides. "It's good to see you man." Castiel considered Dean for a moment, raising an eyebrow.

"Dean we spoke just seconds ago."

"Uh . . . right." Realization finally flooded Dean. He was dead, this was heaven. This wasn't really Cas, wasn't really Sammy. They were . . . below? He didn't really know. He wondered why heaven would choose to show him this memory; it was just another crappy motel. Just another hunt.

"I grabbed lunch Dean." Sammy said, setting the burgers down on the counter. Ah, right, this had been Cas's first burger. "Want one Cas?" Castiel looked, wide eyed at the bag as if it would jump out and bite him. Dean nudged Cas in the ribs with his elbow.

"Come on, just try one."

"I suppose . . ." Dean grinned at the other man, regarding the paper bags with an almost . . . fear. Sam looked surprised by the answer, but pulled one out and handed it to Castiel. Cas looked up at Dean for instructions, and warmth seemed to flood Dean's heart. Dean reached out and unwrapped it for him, and then handed it back.

"It's called a big mac Cas. It's not the best burger ever, but it's damn good." Castiel studied it gravely.

"Why does it need extra bread?"

"Because it makes it extra good. Just eat it!" Dean watched eagerly as Cas took a hesitant bite and then laughed as Cas's eyes went all wide, he looked up at Dean and then back at the burger.

"I think . . . I think I like this very much." Dean felt himself almost glowing with happiness. This was the life. On the road with his brother, feeding his angel Mickey Dees, hunting bad guys down and saving people. This is where he belonged. A sense of comfort washed over him, and then it all drained away as he realized, yet again, that this was heaven. He wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to be on earth, with these people in real life, not in his memories.

"Cas, how do I get back to you?" Sam looked at Dean as if he were crazy, and Castiel set the burger down.

"What do you mean Dean? You are with us now?" He asked, looking at Dean as if questioning his sanity.

"I'm not Cas, I'm dead, and this is heaven, I have to get back to earth."

"This is your heaven? A motel room with your brother and I?" Dean looked around and smiled.

"Yeah. Yeah I guess it is." And then everything faded again as the memory changed. Heaven was really a trip.

Castiel tried to wait patiently as Chuck flipped through different pages, each scribbled on, some printed, others written hastily, a few even on napkins.

"This is Meme's chapter." Chuck handed the angel a stack of papers. Castiel settled down on the couch and began to read. It was a normal hunt, vengeful spirit, woman burns her children in an attic fire, they all die, possibly a women in white but all the victims were female. That's when Sam and Dean had realized, this spirit was a lesbian and so she preyed on _women_ who were unfaithful. Then, she had captured Sam and Dean had gone after her, planning to salt and burn everything in his path to get to his brother. The story ended with Dean saving the day, untying Sam and . . .

"Chuck where's the rest?"

"What do you mean?" Castiel rolled his eyes and cast about for words.

"You know; the part where they talk about their . . . feelings to each other in the impala?"

"That's in there . . ."

"No, it's not, the page is blank." Chuck leaned over Cas to read over his shoulder, and then, before their eyes, the words started rewriting themselves on the page. Castiel's eyes flitted over the new ending. The ending where Dean died.

"Someone is messing with fate."

"How is this even possible?"

"It shouldn't be." Castiel stood up and was about to "zap" before he remembered his newfound human etiquette the boys had worked so hard to teach him. He turned to Chuck. "Uhh . . . thank you. You have been very helpful."

"No I haven't." Chuck said, looking dismayed down at the floor.

"No, not really." Chuck looked back up incredulously at the angel.

"I hope you find Dean and fix all this Cas. Dean is the only chance you have."

"The only chance for what?"

"Being at least a little human." Castiel tilted his head to the side in confusion before giving up and zapping away.


	3. Chapter 3: No One Beside You

**Chapter Three: No One Beside You**

**Wow this took longer than expected. It was odd; I got so into writing chapter 4, that I kind of skipped over chapter three. Basically, chapter four should be out very very shortly, if not right after I post this. Oh and also I've decided this is going to have spoilers up until season six, not major ones, just characters really, I'm still trying to keep it as spoiler free as possible. Enjoy! **

**Dean- **

Dean awoke to the sound of voices humming above him, and something hard and stiff pressed up against his back. He breathed in deeply, recognizing the scent of peanuts and booze. He blinked his eyes open and realized he was lying down on a table. He then realized faces hovering above him.

"Damn it Dean." Said a familiar voice. Dean blinked groggily.

"Dad?" Dean sat up and everyone cleared back a bit to give him space.

"You weren't supposed to be here this early." His Dad groaned.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Honey . . . I'm not glad you're here, but I've missed you." Dean turned and saw his mother standing in the amber lighting of the bar, the gold of her hair sparkling and her eyes large and sad and beautiful. He gazed in awe of her glory, thinking he had never seen a more magnificent sight.

"Mom . . ." Dean whispered, emotion stealing his voice. He thought he could be manly about this, but he was wrong. He could already feel his eyes filling with tears. "Mom I've missed you too." His voice was choked as Dean launched himself off the table and into his mother's awaiting arms. "Is it really you?" She held him and let him cry, whispering soothing words into his ear while she rubbed his back.

"It's me baby. It's really me. I'm proud of you Dean. So proud." Dean held his mother and cried for what seemed like a lifetime, for once, not even caring that his father could see. His Dad even stepped up and put a hand on his shoulder, smiling reassuringly at him. When Dean was finally done he stepped back and noticed Ash standing nearby.

"ASH!" The mullet-ed man regarded him with a small smile.

"Dean. Don't take this the wrong way but I really ain't too happy to see ya."

"I know what you mean." Dean said, looking around at the road house and smiling at the familiarity of it.

"Dean you weren't supposed to die yet. And I mean that in every way possible."

"I know. I heard Cas talking about it . . ." Dean said, remembering the scene as he was speaking. How Cas had seemed adamant that this was wrong.

"Well your angel friend is right. This has been nice and all, but we need to get you back. There is still work for you to do." Dean nodded, bearing the weight of the world like a good little solider his father had brought him up to be. Which is why the words that came out of his father's mouth next stunned him more than any he had ever heard in his entire life, or death.

"Hasn't he already done enough?" Ash just starred at the older Winchester with disbelief.

"You know there is never enough."

"I just don't understand. We've all given our lives for the cause, to help other people. Dean gave his life to the job long before he ever died, and here we're all supposed to be eager to send him back to that? Shouldn't he just . . . I don't know, finally get the reward he deserves? Finally get to rest?" Dean almost doubted his father was actually the one speaking, for a moment he thought this had to be some sort of trick.

"Dad . . . you don't understand, Sammy is still down there. I have to-,"

"Dean," His father said sternly, "You have looked over your brother your entire life. Isn't it time to let him look over himself?" Dean was aghast.

"There will never . . ." Dean shook his head in disbelief, "There will never be a sort of . . . clock that runs out. There will never be a time when the time for taking care of Sammy is over. It's not a job I can clock out on, it's who I am. I am a lot of things Dad. I'm a man, a hunter, a damn warrior. But I am, and always will be, a brother first." John looked at Dean with saddened eyes.

"It's just such a burden to bear Dean . . ."

"John!" His mother said.

"Sammy isn't a burden, he's my brother." Dean answered curtly, looking back to Ash.

"So how do I get back?" He asked, determined not to argue with his father even in the afterlife. Ash shrugged.

"Beats the hell outta me." Dean thought if looks could kill, Ash should be re-dead with the look Dean was giving him. "You said your angel buddy was going to help out right?" Dean nodded, having never actually said that, but Ash was intuitive. Or maybe he heard it on the angel grapevine or something. "I would just . . . do whatever it was you were doing and wait it out or somethin'. I might know more when he gets closer, but right now, it's all quiet."

"How long have I been . . . dead?" Dean asked, worried about the answer. How did time work here? Had it been days? Months? Years? Ash shrugged.

"I have no way of knowing. Time is . . . tricky here." Dean's mother stepped back forward and hugged him again.

"Baby I love you, but he's right, you need to go." Dean squeezed her, hoping to pour forth all his love for her as well.

"I love you too mom. And I'll try my best." Dean stopped in front of his father, sensing finality about the moment. Hopefully this would be the last time they would speak for a while. John just smiled and gripped Dean in a hug.

"I'm sorry Dean. For everything." Dean felt as if the breath were whizzing out of his lungs.

"Dad what do you-," but then everything went black and Dean was suddenly deposited in yet another memory. One with Bobby's house and playing catch. Dean sighed and went about the motions.

**Sam: **

"I want to make a deal." The deadly words, the Winchester words, it seemed.

"You want your brother back blahblahblah your soul yadayada-, here's the deal cupcake, no dice." Crowley said cruelly.

"What? Why not?" Sam asked, taken aback. "You're the king of the crossroads, isn't this supposed to be the deal of a lifetime for you? I don't even need a year, just give me a day! Or not even that! Just trade us in automatically, whatever, that's fine." Sam told the king of the crossroads, trying not to let his voice shake too much with his fear. He had heard of hell from Dean, and it had seemed awful, but wouldn't it be worth it just to bring his brother back? He felt tears stinging his eyes. "Just . . . just bring him back Crowley."

"No can do sasquatch. There's more in it for me with Deano dead." Crowley smirked.

"What do you mean? Castiel said this wasn't supposed to happen . . . does it have something to do with that?"

"Maybe." Crowley answered, annoyingly. Sam wished he had brought gallons of holy water with him to pour over the demon so he could melt that annoying smirk right off his smug little face. "Killing me in your head isn't going to get you anywhere, moose."

" Maybe?" Sam answered with effort, not saying anything to upset the demon, not if there was a chance he could still get what he wanted.

"Maybe." Crowley answered cryptically. "Now if you don't have anything else to blubber about, I think you have some drinking to do. Have one on me mate." And with that, the king of the crossroads vanished. Sam wished there were something around for him to punch or kick, or anything. But there was nothing, just the tension coiled up in his body as he stood in the middle of the crossroads, fuming and hopeless.

**Castiel:**

"I just don't know what to do . . . he's my best friend. I can't . . ." Cas sat on a serene park bench on a beautiful sunny day, speaking to the air. "When I saw his dead body, it was like time stopped. It was like . . . like every nerve in my body was suddenly spiraling downwards and I felt the breath leave my lungs. I don't know what this is, lord, I've never felt it before. I've watched brothers and sisters that I loved dearly die, and I have felt grief . . . but never like this. This is something else entirely. I almost thought for a moment I had been bewitched somehow, I even searched for hex bags, can an angel even be hexed lord? I don't know. But I didn't find anything." The angel paused his prayer to pick up a small white flower growing nearby, twirling it in between his fingers. "I can't let this be lord. I don't know if it was your doing, but I have this feeling . . . no-, I have this _faith_ that it wasn't. I know all men must die, but I also know everyone has a time to go. And I don't think this was Dean's. You wouldn't do that lord . . . not when he does so much good on this earth. It wasn't even in Chuck's visions, so how could it have happened? I don't know . . . I don't know what to do. And I suppose that is why I pray to you now. What do I do next? How do I move on from this? How do I go against nature and bring Dean back? Because I need to bring him back lord. Dean belongs in this world. He belongs," Castiel sighed, "he belongs with _me._" Castiel looked up to the sky, as if he hoped to see God floating down on a fluffy white cloud to save him. Save him by giving him Dean back. He was startled by his own words just now, not realizing they had been true until they left his lips. He did truly believe the hunter belonged with him, by his side, saving the world. But there was something _more_ to it. Something he couldn't quite identify. "What do I do lord?" He asked again, starting to lose hope with every passing second of silence. The angel put his head in his hands, not hearing an answer. He wondered if this is what it was to be hopeless, to be faithless.


	4. Chapter 4: I'll Be Close Behind

**Chapter Four: I'll Be Close Behind**

**In honor of Valentine's Day, a friend that for whatever reason ships "Cas-step" (what in the hell is Cas-step you ask? Read and find out.) I present to you, chapter four.**

**Dean: **

Castiel stood before Dean, a confused look on the angel's tilted face.

"I do not understand." Castiel said, lowering the teddy bear. It was a medium sized thing, holding a heart that said "_Sweet Dreams"_ and it looked soft and squishy. Dean wouldn't touch the damn thing with a ten foot poll. "I thought this is what humans did on Valentine's day . . . they give . . . flowers and chocolate and," Cas waved the bear around, "and odd, unrealistic stuffed animals holding organs to the humans they tolerate the most! And you normally sleep with beer bottles, I thought this would be less . . . I don't know . . . pokey?"

"Tolerate-, no Cas you're only supposed to give that stuff to the human you, uh . . ." Sammy was cracking up in the background, Dean didn't think he'd ever heard the guy laugh so hard. He could actually feel the blush creeping over his face, and felt the sudden urge to punch Sam so hard he wouldn't laugh for a week.

"To the human you _what_ Dean?" Cas asked in his infuriating gravelly voice.

"To the human you love Cas." Dean answered, balling his hands up into fits, feeling his whole body tense with the awkwardness of the situation.

"Oh . . . I see . . ." Castiel seemed to think for a moment. "I have known you a long time. . ." Dean didn't think he could possibly like where this was going. "I suppose I could say that my feelings for you have grown into love." Dean felt his eyes bulge out of his head. "You have said it yourself, we are brothers. And Sam is your brother and you love Sam." Now Sam was completely silent, a look of revulsion stamped onto his face. Served him right.

"Uh . . . no Cas, it's the _other_ kind of love." Castiel seemed to look down at the bear, and then set it on the bed as if he realized the stuffed animal had been crawling with some sort of disgusting disease. "Oh. You mean lust?" Dean nodded slowly, feeling as if the room were somehow about to explode at any moment. "I can see now how this situation might be embarrassing."

"Yeah, ya think?" Dean couldn't help but answering a tad bit sarcastically.

"I . . . uh . . ." And then Cas popped out of the room. Dean hadn't dare admit to Sammy or Cas that he had totally slept with the stuffed bear that night, hidden under his covers so no one would see. And Cas wouldn't dare admit that he had spied on Dean to see if he had in fact, slept with the unrealistic animal, and he certainly would never admit that when he discovered the hunter, clutching the thing to his chest in his sleep, he had grinned from ear to ear with a new-found joy he did not quite know the origins of.

Dean blinked and he was driving the impala. Happiness flooded through his system, he smiled down at the wheel of the impala with a big dopey grin. And then the soft flutter of wings filled the air and Cas was next to him, wide eyed and disheveled.

"Dean!" Cas said, excitedly.

"Cas?" Dean asked, wearily, wondering what the angel could be so excited about. He noted with disdain that he was blending more seamlessly into his memories. Where at first it had been easy to speak differently than he had in the visions, now he could only do it if he really concentrated. It was so much easier to just go with the flow of what had already happened, like reading a script.

"Dean I have just discovered this new music, you have to listen to it! I was walking around downtown Austin when this alarming noise caught my attention, so I wondered in and . . ." Cas paused his hyper speed speaking "and I remembered how much you enjoyed music and you use those tapes in your car so I got you one! It was hard to find, the man laughed when I asked for a tape . . ." Cas turned to Dean. "You know, it has come to my attention that tapes are outdated? They use these . . . Ipod devices now a 'days. Dean glanced at Cas; total seriousness was written all over the angel's face.

"Just give me the tape!" He ordered, holding out his hand. Cas placed the cool rectangular object face down in Dean's palm and Dean rolled his eyes, ejecting "The Best of Bon Jovi" and sliding in whatever _this_ was. "Ipods are for sissies." He mumbled angrily at the wheel. "What were you doing walking around downtown Austin any-," he began to ask before he was interrupted by a loud, shrill scream that caused him to swerve all over the road in panic, the bass nearly burst his ears as the fast paced electronic music raced through the car.

"ALARMING ISN'T IT!?" Cas shouted over the garbage enthusiastically. Dean felt like he might throw up. "WAIT FOR IT, THE 'BASS' IS ABOUT TO 'DROP'!" Dean quickly ejected the tape and pulled over, shifting baby into park.

"DUBSTEP CAS?! That's not music!" Castiel looked shocked.

"But Dean it-,"

"No."

"But . . ."

"No. Cas, _Rock and Roll_ is music."

"Rock?" Dean sighed and turned the radio on, scanning for a rock station. "Kiss" came on and Dean smiled, gesturing at the radio.

"_This_ is music!" Cas tilted his head, listening carefully. The song ended and an announcer came on.

"_And that was "Kiss" with "I Wanna Rock N Roll All Night"! Aren't they amazing folks? And if you like them, they will be playing Madison Square Gardens tonight! Tickets are still available!" _

"Gardens huh?" Dean wondered aloud, "We're about four hours from there . . ." he turned to Cas. "Have you ever been to a concert Cas?" the angel shook his head no.

"I have heard Bach was amazing but . . ."

"Not that kinda concert. We're going to see "Kiss" live in concert."

"I am . . . confused. If we wanted to see a kiss couldn't we just go to a cheap motel and watch one of those questionable movies you and Sam are always watching?" Dean blanched at Castiel's words.

"Not 'a' kiss, Cas, 'THE' Kiss! Just . . . hang tight for a while and we're gonna have a great time. The angel just nodded agreeably and sat in blessed silence while playing "The Best of Bon Jovi". Dean ejected Cas's terrible Dub Step tape and thrust it at him.

"And burn that!" Cas nodded gravely, looking at the tape with a sort of fear now. Dean smiled and kept driving.

Four hours later found Dean buying cheap tickets off some guy outside, and tugging Cas along by the wrist so as not to lose him in the crowd. The angel glanced everywhere with huge eyes, apologizing profuslly when people bumped into him. Dean just rolled his eyes and kept on pushing through the crowd. They entered the large arena and found their seats quickly enough. Dean had been lucky enough to get in on the ground floor, not too close to the stage, but not so far up that they wouldn't be able to see what was going on. Lights were already scanning the crowd from the stage, and music was thrumming softly, creating an atmosphere amongst the mass of swaying bodies.

"THIS SEEMS . . . HECTIC!" Cas screamed over the crowd. Dean grinned back at the angel.

"THAT'S KINDA THE POINT!" They waited for a good forty minutes before, finally, the crowd erupted into screams, causing Cas to look frightened.

"HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED?" Dean pointed to the giant stage, and the screens behind it that showed the members from Kiss running onto the stage, arms up in the air, big grins splitting their painted faces. Castiel's eyes focused on the stage, a questioning gaze lingering as he took in the rock gods.

"ALRIGHT! HELLO NEW YORK CITYYYY!" The crowd went nuts, and then the music begun to blare through the crowd, the guitar and drums blending together to make the perfect heart pumping melody. Dean screamed and put his hands up in the air as one of his all time favorite songs came on. The crowd thrashed collectively, becoming one entity. Even Castiel seemed to pick up from the humans and threw his hands up in the air and cheered, starting to smile as the men on stage ran around, head banging.

"GET UP! EVERYBODY'S TRYIN' TO MOVE THEIR FEET! GET DOWN! EVERYBODY'S GONNA LEAVE THEIR SEATS!" The band screamed along to the song.

"WOOO!" Dean shouted, he looked over to see Cas actually laughing in joy, clapping his hands. Something about that moment right there would never leave him. Watching the angel lose himself in the music was so . . . wonderful. It was as if the angel Cas actually went away, and he became a little more human, moving his hips and arms along with the beat, his typically blue somber gaze now alight with pure joy. Whenever Dean would see Castiel hurt, or sad, or angry, or annoyed after this, he would always picture the angel swaying to the beat of "Detroit Rock City" and remind himself that, as angelic as Castiel was, he was a human sometimes too. Sometimes, after that night, he would even play the song in the impala, and when he did Castiel almost always showed up, as if he had been called, if only to listen to the song, offer a small smile, and then vanish again. Sam never knew about the concert, there had been no reason to tell him, neither Dean nor Cas had felt to mention it to him. It was their little secret, their shared moment. Telling Sam would only make it a little less . . .well . . ._theirs. _

Fire was all around him, burning him from the inside out. It burned so brightly, he couldn't even raise his voice to scream. This wasn't heaven. This was . . . he tried to open his eyes to look around, but all he saw was fire. This was hell. He could feel it in the agony ripping through his soul. He was back in hell. Why would he be here? A moment ago he could've sworn he was in heaven, but this hell was almost burning his memories of heaven right out of his mind. Then, amidst all the smoke and fire, a bright white light burned. His shoulder seared in a white hot pain that felt as if it were melting his bones.

"Cas?" He croaked out. A stern face appeared before him, blue eyes questioning. "No . . . No I didn't remember this. How could this be happening?"

"Be silent now, it will all be over soon. And close your eyes." Dean did as he was told, closing his eyes as arms wrapped around him, one hand still on his shoulder, branding him. Air hit his face in sweet relief as the fires of hell seemed to wear out. He leaned in close to the angel, breathing him in, feeling his grace wrap Dean up in a cocoon of safety. Dean almost felt the urge to nuzzle into Cas; and to cry.

"Thank you." He whispered, so low he wasn't even sure if Cas had heard him.

"For what?" Castiel asked, sounding confused.

"For saving me." Dean took another deep breath, that smell of ozone that seemed to cling to Cas making him feel at home. He realized this is where he belonged-, no, not in hell. In the angel's arms. In _his_ angel's arms. This was home. That's why he was suddenly remembering this. Because even though he consciously didn't remember it, his subconscious must have picked up this little trip out of hell; must have remembered the first time he had met Cas. He realized he was crying tears of joy now. He was glad he had remembered this moment with Castiel. It seemed that his heaven; was in his angel's arms.

**Cas: **

Heaven was a difficult place to search. Castiel felt as if he were literally surfing through waves of memories, skimming through different human souls until he found the one he was searching for. He popped in and out of memories, crashing all kinds of things. A lot of them involved romantic moments with loved ones, sometimes he burst in on childhood memories of playgrounds and ice cream. He scanned the memories, searching for the green eyed gaze he knew so well, but never finding it.

Castiel sighed, breaking into another memory of sex. He blushed fiercely and looked away, knowing at once this wasn't Dean's heaven. He was sure even if Dean had his back turned to him, or was nuzzled into some female's neck, he would know it was Dean. He felt like he would be able to sense him, to feel him the moment he entered Dean's heaven. He went through what felt like millions of heavens, getting more and more weary. How many more souls did he have to search before he found Dean's? Maybe one of his brothers would be able to help . . . if he had more angels searching, it would be easier. Castiel bit his lip. Should he ask this of his brothers? Would they turn against him for messing with the natural order of things? They would surly mark this as a conflict of interest and prohibit him from searching further for Dean. No, it was best he do this on his own. He loved his family, but it wasn't the family he could trust. Dean was the family he trusted. With a sigh Castiel flew out of the memory, and into another.

**Dean: **

Dean turned away from an annoyed Cas. He concentrated as hard as he could, focusing on the facts.  
_This isn't real. Have to find the real Cas. Have to get back. Have to let him know . . ._ Let him know what? That Dean had decided once and for all that Castiel was his home. That Castiel was his soul mate? No, soul mate was too cheesy. Cas was more than that to Dean. Dean took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. For whatever reason, he was stuck in a memory where Cas was angry with him.

"Dean are you even listening to me?! You can't give up! I've given up everything for you! You have to keep trying!" Dean looked back at Cas, startled with how well the words fit with this exact situation. The Cas he knew wouldn't want him to just sit and wait for Cas to come and rescue him. Cas would want him to be fighting, to be out there doing _something. _Anything but just . . . sitting pretty. Dean smiled at Cas, going against what happened in the memory. He felt as if he were trudging through a current, going against it.

"That's exactly what I needed to hear Cas." Dean stepped forward and put a hand on the angel's cheek, testing the feel of it. His skin didn't prickle like he thought it would, perhaps because this was a memory. Memory Cas looked at him, very confused, before Dean changed the memory on his own. He was at Bobby's. Good, he could use the library. Bobby came in and started yelling at Dean for being an "idjit" and not doing the research he needed to.

"Bobby, listen, you gotta help me. I'm dead and I'm in heaven and I'm trying to get back. Cas is searching for me, but it'll take him eons to find me, I have to figure out a way to send him a signal, _something!"_

_ "_Dead?" Bobby asked, eying him carefully. "No . . . but . . . you can't be!"

"Bobby, I won't be for much longer if you can help me out here." Bobby nodded, getting down to business, and pulling out a thick tome and handing it to Dean, and then picking up one of his own.

"Better get to readin'." Dean smiled and settled down in the comfortable chair. Research had never been his favorite of tasks, in fact it was one of his least favorite parts about being a hunter, but it sure beat sitting around doin' nothing. He was going to find Cas and get his life back.

**Sam: **

Sam chanted the hoodoo spell over the bowl of herbs and bone, throwing in some sort of deadly flower, before slicing open his hand and letting his blood drip down into the bowl.

"That's never going to work." Balthazar's voice sounded from behind him, Sam spun, book in hand to face the demon.

"Why do you care?" Sam spat out.

"Because, I'm an angel, and you're doing very . . ." Balthazar peeked around Sam's massive form and raised an eyebrow "non-angelic things"

"I'm no angel." Sam said, glaring. Balthazar merely laughed.

"That much is evident. But stop trying to raise the dead. Even if Dean came back from that little spell you're working up, he would be a monster. And you'd have to hunt him and kill him. Surely that is much worse than just letting him rest? He's in heaven now. He's with his loved ones, with . . . your loved ones. Why can't that ever be enough for you people?" Balthazar took a deep breath. "Sam, I know you don't want to hear this . . . but your brother is happier where he is than he ever was here on earth." Sam felt like his heart was dropping.

"No. No you can't mean that. He would want to be back here. He would want to be-,"

"Be what? Be hunting things? Be on the run constantly, saving the world, sacrificing everything?"

"That was the life."

"It _was_. Now he's in death, and he's at peace. Let it be." Sam shook his head, dropping the book.

"No. No I can't ever . . . I can't give up on him, he would never give up on me."

"I'm not asking you to give up Sam, I'm telling you." Balthazar glared and with a wave of his hand, the fire Sam had lit inside the bowl went out. "Stop the ridiculous hoo-doo, or I'll have to stop you. Demonic toys are not play-things that Winchesters should mess with. Now go and hunt like a good little soldier, and leave it alone."

"I WILL NOT-," but the angel simply disappeared. Sam screamed in anger and knocked the bowl off the desk, sending the contents scattering onto the floor, and causing some glass to shatter. Fucking angels trying to run his life yet again. Then Sam had a thought. Why did Balthazar get involved with this anyway? And why was everyone so intent on Dean staying dead?


	5. Chapter 5: Fear is the Heart of Love

**Chapter Five: Fear is the Heart of Love**

**Just as a note, I have no clue who Joseph is, I kind of made him up. Think of him as some really serious macho angel I guess. I don't know. Oh and also, for those of you trying to figure out the time period of this, it's kind of manipulated . . . I think after season 4 or the angels would be too interested in getting Dean back, but before season six, or there would be . . . issues with Cas. Enjoy! And as always, review and let me know what you think! **

**Sam:**

He held Ruby's knife to the throat of the demon before him, sitting in the middle of a devil's trap, tied to a chair.

"Who killed Dean?" He ordered gruffly, digging the knife into the demon's flesh and ignoring his screams of pain.

"A ghost." The demon answered, laughing.

"That's not what I'm asking, and you know it." Sam said, pressing further.

"Ahh- I don't know!"

"WHO HAD MY BROTHER KILLED?"

"IT WASN'T US!" The demon screamed as Sam's knife stalled.

"What do you mean?"

"Whatever did it, it wasn't us. It wasn't from hell, and it had a lot of power. If I were you, I'd look to the skies angel boy."

"Angels did this?"

"Only thing with enough power that ain't come from hell itself."

"But why?" Sam asked, thinking through the new information as he heard it.

"Do I look like a feather fucker to you? Ask your brother, he knows em better than most- oh wait, you can't, he's dead! Ha!" The demon had given him the information he needed, so Sam stepped back out of the devil's trap, smiling cockily.

"Enjoy your trip back to hell." He told the demon.

"NO NO NO WAIT I CAN-" But it was too late, Sam had started up the Latin chant that would exorcise the demon. When the man woke up, Sam helped him to the nearest hospital and dropped him off, thinking over the words of the demon. If angels had done this, there was only one angel to ask.

**Castiel: **

The tell-tale ruffle of wings sounded behind the angel, and he turned to face the cluster of angels slowly. He regarded them all coldly.

"Balthazar. Joseph. What are you doing here?" 'here' was the memory of a three year old girl he had was scanning through quickly, he had just been about to pop into the next heaven when the angels appeared. Joseph laced his fingers together and raised an eyebrow at Castiel.

"The question is, Castiel, what are _you_ doing _here?"_ Castiel cast about his mind for an answer that would not encourage further involvement of the angels.

"I-," He begun to stammer, but Joseph put a hand up.

"Do not bother fetching about for lies, brother." He said. Castiel offered him a tight lipped smile.

"Do not bother asking me questions you already know the answer to." Castiel's tone dripped with something like sarcasm. He thought he had been learning too much from Dean.

"Instead of focusing on one dead Winchester, you should focus on the living one."

"What do you mean" Castiel asked, irritated.

"He is delving into darkness attempting to resuscitate his brother. Do stop him, or we will. Samuel Winchester cannot be permitted to deal with hell, he's already been stained with darkness before, if he attempts it again-," Castiel cut Joseph off.

"I will stop him, but I won't give up my search for Dean."

"Why do you seek to disrupt the natural balance?" Balthazar finally asked, Castiel considered him. He wasn't one to be silent, yet he was rather quite for once.

"Because the balance is not natural, not this time. It has already been disturbed. Dean isn't supposed to be dead, it wasn't written in the prophesy. It isn't supposed to be. Someone has been . . . messing with fate." As Castiel spoke the last words, his eyes rested on Balthazar, an angel capable of doing such a thing. His head tilted to the side in that oh-so-Castiel way, and he glared a little at Balthazar. "You wouldn't have any reason for wanting Dean Winchester dead, would you Balthazar?" The angel in question laughed, his hands flouncing about as if he were some Victorian chap having a "grand old time".

"Besides the fact that he is supposed to be? No, brother, I do not. Do not attempt to put blame on me for the death of your little pet."

"Brother," Joseph interrupted, "Let this be. The Winchester is dead, he is dead for a reason, and he should stay dead. Just because you resurrected him once, do not think it is your duty to do so every time the boy falls." At the thought of just "letting this be" Castiel felt dread.

"You don't understand, I can't just let this be I can't just . . . leave him." Castiel didn't understand the words leaving his mouth.

"Why not?" Balthazar asked, flippantly.

"Because . . . because I fear a world without him." Castiel answered truthfully. Joseph smiled sadly, understandingly.

"You know what they say brother. Fear is the heart of love."

"Love?" Balthazar asked. "Do you love the Winchester boy Cas? Is that what this is all about?" Castiel took a moment, as if freezing time to consider the word. _Love._ What did that word mean to him? To the angel, it had meant loyalty, submission, following a God that was silent. Following faith. But the angel had learned a few things while on earth. Love now meant cheeseburgers and rock music, a car so close to one's heart that it felt like home. Love meant saving people, and smiling over slices of pie after a hard day's work. Love meant the smell of blood and dirt and cheap motel rooms, and the knowledge that the people-, no, the _family _around you would lay down their lives for you, and you for them. Love was . . . well, it was Dean.

"Yes." Castiel said, amazing himself. "Yes, I do love Dean Winchester. And I need to get him back." Castiel had never felt more determined in his existence. He felt more powerful with the knowledge, as if this love had reinforced his spine, made his grace burn brighter, his shoulders set more reassuringly. He finally believed he could save Dean. All this time searching for the hunter, and he had a very small hope of actually being able to save him, but now . . . now that he had love to guide him, Castiel felt invincible.

"Brother, you cannot go through with this. We understand your emotions are . . . getting the better of you now, but give it time, it will fade." Joseph told Castiel. Cas just smiled back at him.

"My love for Dean Winchester has not faded after his death, but grown stronger. I am going to find him, Joseph, and I'm going to set this right."

"And then what?" Balthazar asked, "Travel around in that beat up impala for eternity, hunting the boogeyman, kissing the Winchester boy, and eating cake on your free time?"

"Pie." Castiel responded.

"What?" Balthazar asked.

"We'll eat pie." And with that, Castiel vanished before the other angels could stop him, riding a sea of memories until he found his soul mate. _Soul mate._ Castiel tested the words in his mind, he thought he liked them when applied to Dean. A terrifying thought bloomed though, what if Dean didn't feel the same way?

**Dean: **

"Look here, I found a chant that will call an angel to ya."

"I've already tried prayin' Bobby, it hasn't done any good."

"Yeah, but this one is powerful." The hunter looked up from the book he had rested on his lap to the older man.

"How powerful?" He asked.

"Through heaven and hell it says."

"So I can just . . . summon Cas?"

"Maybe, it's worth a shot." Bobby answered.

"Great, what do we need?" Bobby started rattling off a list of ingredients and Dean ran about the house collecting them. They painted some white symbols on the floor and started getting the ritual ready, it took what felt like hours. The sun had set in the sky by the time they had completed it.

"Okay now I just . . .?"

"Now you just read this chant, and he should appear, right there." Bobby pointed to the center of some odd symbol Dean had never seen before in his life.

"Okay. Let's give this a go." It was a long chant, and it was meant to be yelled, by the time Dean was done he felt like he had just scream-read an entire book. He lowered the papers he had been reading off of and glanced to the center of the circle. He waited for the ruffle of feathers, the annoyingly endearing head-tilt, the trench coat. Nothing.

"Well hell." Dean said, frustratedly. "Maybe I- I don't know, screamed it wrong?"

"No, it sounded alright to me. I guess it just isn't as powerful as it says." Dean threw down the stack of papers and sank into the chair with an exasperated sigh.

"What now?" Bobby scratched his head.

"Dean, why do you want to go back in the first place?" Bobby asked him, sitting behind his desk. Dean looked at Bobby as if he were crazy. Maybe he was going senile or something. Senile Bobby in heaven? How would that work?

"I have to go back. I have to keep hunting, to protect Sammy-,"

"But there's more to it than that now." Dean went to protest but Bobby stopped him with an upraised hand. "Don't even bother lyin' to me boy, I've known you since before you could wipe your own ass." Dean sat back in his chair. "So what is it? What's changed?" Dean thought about it for a moment.

"I have Bobby. I've just . . . realized some things about myself. About Cas."

"Like?" The hunter asked.

"Like . . . I swear if you laugh at me, i'll kill you." Dean sputtered quickly.

"How are you gonna kill me? We're in heaven ya idjit."

"I'll find a way I swear-,"

"Get to the point."

"Like I think I love Cas." Dean said, cringing at the explosion of words from his mouth. "Like less like a brother and more like a . . . a romantic . . . thing." Dean continued, when Bobby didn't burst into laughter or a long list of questions.

"Yeah, I understand what you mean, no need to go burstin' a blood vessel."

"You don't . . .?"

"Don't what?"

"I don't know . . . care?" Dean asked, amazed.

"Well of course not! I've been waiting for you two dumb asses to figure this out for a while now." Bobby told him, a smug look on his face.

"You _knew?_"

"I'm pretty sure the only people who didn't know, were you and your angel fella." Bobby said, laughing. Dean rubbed his cheek with one hand, blown away. "This just gives us all the more reason to get you back there." Bobby slapped another huge book in Dean's lap. "Get to readin'." He stopped for a minute and smiled at Dean before adding, "Lover-boy."

**Sam: **

"Castiel," Sam prayed, exasperated, into the thin air "I need you to-"

"Sam." Sam's eyes snapped open as he turned to face the angel.

"Hey Cas. Would you and your angel buddies have anything to do with Dean's death?" Sam asked, poison dripping from his tone. Castiel glared at Sam.

"Do you doubt me so that you would include me in the list of people that would harm Dean?"

"i don't know Cas, you've done some questionable things before. I wouldn't put much past you." Castiel felt anger boiling his blood. That anyone, let alone Sam, think that he would harm Dean . . .

"No Sam, I had nothing to do with your brother's death, and I am expending my every effort on bringing him back. But I do think this could be something to do with angels. Why? What did you hear?"

"I tortured it out of a demon that it wasn't hell, and that it was something powerful enough to mess with fate." Castiel grunted.

"Angel origin would seem most likely."

"But it wasn't you?" Sam asked again. Castiel let out a long breath.

"No, Sam. It wasn't me. I have a feeling Balthazar is behind this." Sam's eyes light up with understanding.

"That would make sense. He came to me not too long ago and tried to call me off the chase."

"That's why i'm here Sam."

"What?" Sam gaped at him. "But I thought you said you didn't-,"

"I didn't kill your brother, no. But if you continue messing around with this, you're going to be stopped, not by me, but angels more powerful than I. I do not want to see you hurt." Sam glared at him, and Castiel wished the older Winchester were here to shut up his younger brother and convincing him to have trust in the angel.

"How can I trust you? How do I know you don't want him dead as much as the next angel?" Sam asked, accusingly.

"Sam i've . . . recently come to terms with some things since your brother's death."

"What's that?" Sam asked, rudely, his arms crossed in front of him.

"I am in love with your brother. And I'm going to get him back. For both of us." Castiel got to treasure the fish eyed, open mouthed, baffled gaze of the younger Winchester, and thought about how much Dean would've loved to see such a look on his brother's face.

"You . . . WHAT?"

"I'm in love with Dean." Castiel admitted, loving the sound of the sentence on his tongue.

"I . . ."

"Think about it. If I were the one who killed him, I would have no reason to say such words to you. I would have no reason for being here. And I would never lie about such a thing." Castiel fixed him with a stare. Sam just gulped and nodded his head.

"Okay. Yeah, I believe you. So what do we do?"

"_We_ do nothing. You go hunting like you normally do, and wait for me to find your brother in heaven, and bring him back." Castiel saw Sam about to protest and added, "You have to believe in me Sam. You have to trust that I will do this. I didn't at first, but I know I can now. I am going to bring Dean back, it will only take a matter of time. But I can't have you putting yourself in danger while i'm gone. Could you imagine Dean coming back with you dead? There is only so many souls I can drag out of hell." Castiel attempted a reassuring smile, but it felt unfamiliar on his lips.

"Okay. I'll trust you." Sam said, his hands out.

"Thank you." Castiel answered back, nodding as he was about to leave, Sam asked,

"But Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Dean's not gay." A small smile played on Sam's lips. Castiel grimaced.

"I am fully aware of that fact."

"So what will you do?"

"Sam . . . sometimes love isn't returned, not in that way. But that doesn't make it any less powerful. I don't think I am capable of . . . I don't think I could stop loving your brother, but if he weren't to return my sentiments, I would be okay. Knowing he is alive and happy would be enough for me." Sam was struck breathless by the sincerity of the words from the angel's mouth.

"You're really gonna do this, aren't ya?" Castiel smiled, and now it felt right, he could feel his eyes crinkling with the happiness he felt at saving Dean.

"Yes. Yes I am." And then he disappeared into the night.


	6. Chapter 6: Hint of a Spark

**Soooo I couldn't stop writing. I actually have most of the last chapter done too, but I'm going to wait a while to get your opinions to upload it.**

**Chapter Six: Hint of a Spark**

**Dean:**

Dean sat in the big, worn out chair at Bobby's, slumped down and leafing through a giant book.

"Bobby I'm not finding any-," Dean started before the image around him abruptly faded, slipping away into blackness.

"Dean!" Dean sat up in the roadhouse, Ash staring at him excitedly. This time his parents were no where to be seen.

"Ash what the hell man?" Dean groaned, rubbing his face.

"Dean your angel is lookin' for ya! Has been for a while now. But it's going to take a hell of a lot longer if you can't summon him."

"You think I don't know that?!" Dean shouted angrily "What did you think I was doing at Bobby's? Havin' a friggen tea party?!"

"I found a way man, that's what I'm tryin' to tell you." Dean felt as though his ears were perking up, he allowed himself to hope.

"Great. Lay it on me."

"First, understand that right now Cas is scanning through souls. Think of it like . . . a needle in a haystack. You're the needle. If we use your soul like a beacon, we can lead him right to you."

"Okay, sounds great. How do I do it?"

"First, you have to go to a place that has a strong emotional meaning to you and Cas."

"Okay . . ." Either Madison Square Gardens, or the Impala, he thought.

"_Just_ you and Cas." Ash said, as if reading his mind. The Gardens then. "Then you have to kind of . . . unlock your heart."

"What?! Ash, what kind of crack are you smoking?" Ash rolled his eyes.

"I know it sounds cheesy and fake, but it's not. Listen, souls glow brighter when feeling strong emotions. They glow bright for anger, hatred, revenge, joy, and the brightest of all for love. Now I ain't no idiot boy, I know how you feel about your feathered friend. You're going to have to use that to light up your soul and pull him to you."

"How did you . . .?"

"Damn it Dean, how many times do I have to tell you I'm a genius?" Dean just stared at the man for a few moments before shrugging it off.

"Okay, well then how do I . . . 'unlock my heart' or whatever?"

"Focus on how you feel around Cas. Focus on all the intense emotions, let them fill you, reach deep into your soul, and let them all spill out. You Winchesters are great at holding emotions in, now I want you to do the opposite. Go zen mode first, meditate for a moment, and then unleash your emotions, and call out to Cas. It may take a few tries, but if you do it right, you should be able to summon him to you."

"All this time looking for an answer, and you're telling me the way to get to Cas is to _feel?_" Ash nodded.

"Yup, easy as pie."

"This sounds ridiculous."

"I'm well aware of that," Ash said, shrugging. "But if you want to get back . . . you gotta give it a try." Dean sighed.

"Okay. Well then I guess I'm off. Until next time buddy." Ash gave Dean a manly hug and then the world melted around him, and he found himself standing in an empty Madison Square Gardens.

**Sam:**

In the three months it had been since Dean's death, Sam had started getting used to life without him. After Cas had warned him to stay out of it, Sam had decided he needed to distract himself, and for a hunter, the best distraction was hunting. He had helped rid many a town of a ghost, he had hunted down a twenty vampire clan and killed them all by himself. He had rid an entire state of demons (well, for now, the suckers always have a way of popping up) and he had saved three nursery's from poltergeists and helped out five hunters on various hunts. He loaded his rock salt gun into the trunk of the Impala as he sighed, closing the trunk. Dean would be pissed if he didn't take care of the car. He decided to pull over and get the oil changed, and then get it washed. He looked into the passenger seat resolutely, missing his older brother with all that he was.

He thought back to Castiel's powerful words, his determination. Cas would save Dean . . . right? Sam didn't really know what to believe any more. He didn't know if he believed in anything except for maybe himself, but then even he let himself down sometimes. He looked to the sky, it was beautiful today in Montana. The clouds were giant white wisps and the blue beyond them was a wonderful turquoise. He wondered if Dean were really up there, and if he was, was he looking down and smiling at his brother, hunting, taking care of his car. Living the life. Sam felt his heart squeeze with the pain of it all, and decided next to pull over and have a slice of pie, because hell, if Dean couldn't eat pie, Sam might as well eat it for him. Dean would be proud.

**Dean:**

Dean walked around the large amphitheater for a bit, thinking about how he was going to do this. He stopped right in front of the stage, and sat down, putting his head in his hands. Feeling things had never been his strong suit. There couldn't be any way to summon Cas besides to open his heart up like a preteen little girl? Ugh. He finally stood up, clenching his fists, and cleared his mind. He did what Ash told him to, pictured himself standing beside a river, the river was his thought process, and thoughts came floating down the river. He watched them go by and let them slip away, getting lost in a peaceful image of him watching the stars with Sammy in some field somewhere. He took another deep breath, and let even that slip away. Then he imagine himself opening doors to his heart. He remembered laughing with Cas in an alley somewhere. He remembered Cas's experience with the "pizza man" He remembered introducing the angel to burgers, pie, and rock music. _Rock music. _He felt his lips pull up into a smile. He remembered Cas's face when he had heard Kiss live, right here, in the Gardens. He remembered how that smile made him feel, and he suddenly felt himself overcome with emotion. He felt it pulse through him, tingle through his veins. The power of it all was so strong, he actually felt tears burn behind his eyes.

_CASTIEL._ He called out with his mind, using the emotions he was feeling to write the word in his soul. _CASTIEL COME HERE. CAS I'M RIGHT HERE. CAS!_ He mentally screamed, lassoing the image of Castiel smiling at him once again, and using it to send out a secondary pulse through his body. _CAS! _He called.

**Castiel:**

Castiel had been skimming through more memories, more heavens, the souls around him glowed softly as he skipped from one to another, never finding what he was looking for. All of a sudden, a bright light shone. He felt as if something were tugging him in one direction. He started to move towards it, amazed. It was if he was standing in complete darkness, and then this beacon had appeared. This beacon that spoke so clearly of Dean. And then he heard it.

_CASTIEL. _Cas felt warmth flood him, as he recognized Dean's voice. _CASTIEL COME HERE. CAS I'M RIGHT HERE. CAS!_ The angel flew as fast as his wings would take him towards the voice, feeling as though his heart was leading him, the light of Dean's soul was almost blinding him now, pulsing like a wonderful sort of butterfly, beating it's wings. _CAS! _Castiel finally touched down in Dean's heaven, and found himself standing on the stage of Madison Square Gardens, where they had gone to his first concert together.

"Dean!" He called out, the hunter's eyes shot open, his face tear streaked and his green eyes large and hopeful, his mouth opened in a gape.

"CAS!" The angel jumped down off the stage, and landed in front of Dean. "Cas is it really-," Dean stopped, choked up by emotion that was overwhelming him. "Is it really you?" Castiel gave him a genuine smile.

"Yes Dean, it is me. I'm here."


	7. Chapter 7: Our Hands Clasped So Tight

**Chapter Seven: Just Our Hands Clasped So Tight**

**Just a warning! Note the rating change, it is now a rated M fic, if you've read this far, you know why. M/M sex scene, it's not too explicit or anything, but I wanted to let y'all know. I'm sorry if you feel that this has any negative affect on the story as a whole, I really debated back and forth with whether or not to write it, but ultimately my muse and I decided it would be a good addition. Let me know what you think! Make sure to keep reviewing, I love hearing what everyone has to say! :) It's been great writing this story, I hope to do more like it in the future. Thank you for everyone that has reviewed and followed so far, I hope I don't disappoint with the ending. **

**Dean: **

The angel appeared before him and he couldn't believe his eyes. His emotions were still raw from channeling them, so he was overwhelmed when Cas appeared, tears started to slide down his cheeks. He couldn't believe he was actually crying over seeing the angel. He stood atop the stage, the lights shining down on him. He blinked in the bright neon light, cringing a bit before jumping off the stage and making his way over, stopping right in front of Dean. Dean had looked forward to this moment for what seemed like so long, that he didn't even know what to say. He wondered for an instant if this was some sort of memory playing tricks on him. He reached out and grabbed Cas's hand. No, this felt different from all the other memories. Unlike when he had touched memory Cas's cheek, there was a definite tingling of nerves where his skin met the angel's now, as if his skin were sizzling. Cas looked down at their joined hands and then back up at Dean with such unadulterated longing that it stole Dean's breath away.

"Dean! I've been searching heaven for you for months! I have to tell you-,"

"Save it Cas, I have something more important." Cas straightened up now, all business, that wonderful look in his eye gone.

"Very well,what is it?" Dean stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the angel just as he had always wanted to. He brushed his lips gently over Cas's, and for a moment Cas went stiff and Dean was afraid he had overstepped his boundaries. Then Cas surprised him, tangling his fingers in Dean's short hair and tugging Dean towards him. Cas's lips ghosted over Dean's, one hand stayed in his hair and one went around Dean's waist to pull Dean into him. Dean's hands clutched at the back of Cas's trench-coat. When they finally pulled apart Dean said, hurriedly before he could take the words back,

"Cas being dead has made me realize that I need you. And that I'm in love with you." Dean waited for the angel to push him away, but Cas just squeezed him tighter and smiled his wonderful genuine "Cas" smile.

"Dean . . ." Dean felt as though his heart would lift off and fly away when his angel said his name. Cas just pulled Dean in again and kissed him softly. Their kisses pouring forth all the love in both of their hearts, just as Dean had done to call Cas here, except this time he wasn't alone. He felt the electricity where his skin touched Cas's, he felt like his emotions were a constant energy, flowing freely back and forth in between him and his angel. Dean pulled away and rested his forehead against Cas's.

"You had something you wanted to tell me?" Dean asked, smiling. Cas cleared his throat and pulled away, looking into Dean's eyes with love.

"I wanted to tell you much the same thing. Dean I'm in love with you too. And I need you beside me forever." Cas kissed him again, just a quick press of the lips. "Don't ever leave me again?" Dean laughed happily.

"Not if I can help it." he answered. Clapping rang out and both men turned to face Balthazar who was standing on a chair some rows back.

"It's about time boys." He said, grinning cheekily. Without releasing his hold on Dean, Castiel's entire expression changed, the love slinking out of his eyes and hatred replacing it.

"Balthazar. You did this, didn't you?" The angel nodded.

"I did. I was sick of you two having eye sex and thought it was about time for the two of you to upgrade to the real deal." Dean untangled himself from his angel and stepped towards Balthazar.

"I'll kill you you son of a bitch!" Balthazar's face portrayed a sense of mock worry.

"Oh no, I'm so frightened." Dean felt a hand on his shoulder as Cas stepped up beside him.

"You should be. You're about to have the best hunters in heaven or hell coming after you Balthazar, and I'm afraid not much can stop them." Balthazar cocked his head to the side. Maybe it was an angel thing, and not just a Cas thing.

"You would let them do that Castiel? We're brothers!"

"You killed the man I love. Of course I would encourage your death." Cas answered stonily.

"I did it to help you! To make you happier in the end!"

"Do you even know if I can get him back to earth? Did you think it that far through?" Balthazar stalled.

"That is . . . an issue. I was hoping you would be able to."

"You're selfish and foolish. Next time you feel like messing with fate-," Castiel was interrupted by Dean, growling,

"There's not gonna be a next time Cas." Castiel just shrugged.

"No, there probably won't be." Balthazar balked at them, his eyes and mouth round.

"Really? This is the thanks I get?"

"The thanks you get will be this; a head start. But know that wherever you go, we will be right behind you, and we _will_ kill you for this." Cas joined his hand with Dean's and said fiercely, "Now go." Balthazar vanished with a ruffle of feathers. Dean smiled as he turned back towards his angel.

"Now how do we get me back?" Castiel kissed Dean long and slow and then pulled back.

"Hang on."

"I'll hang on all day, feathers." Dean said, laughing and holding on to Cas's shoulders as Cas gripped his hips.

"Close your eyes." Dean did as told and felt wind hit his face as they took off, a bright light lit up his eyelids.

**The End: No Vacancies **

When Dean opened his eyes again, he wasn't standing on earth, that much was evident immediately. Instead, he was standing in a field in heaven, with radiant galaxies shining above him. He looked down at Cas, who was also shining, but in a different way. Tears glinted off his cheeks. Dean brushed them away gently as Cas lowered his head into Dean's shoulder and sobbed. Dean was taken aback, but continued to rub his angel's back, whispering soothing words into his ear. It hit him what this meant. There would be no going back. He was dead, and he would stay dead. Cas looked up at him, his face as grief stricken as Dean had ever seen it.

"I couldn't . . . I couldn't do it. I'm not strong enough. God himself would have to put you back on earth. Dean I'm so sorry." His hands found Dean's face and clasped him gently, Dean put a hand to one of Cas's.

"Hey man, it's okay. I understand. People die, that's the way it's supposed to go." He felt his heart drop into his stomach. "But what about you and me? Can you stay here?" Castiel shook his head.

"No Dean. Angels weren't meant to linger in a human's heaven. I have other duties I must attend to. I can't . . ." Cas started to gulp in big lungfuls of air as sobs racked over his body again. "I can't ever see you again after this." Dean felt himself starting to tear up now too.

"And how long will 'this' last?" Castiel kissed him in a rushed sort of fashion, translating all his pain through his kisses.

"I don't know, maybe moments, maybe hours." Dean ran his hands over his angel's face, cataloging his features. "You'll still have the memories."

"Memories will never be enough Cas, and besides, what will you have?" Cas seemed to slump, his large blue puppy dog eyes downcast. Dean lifted his chin to look him in the eyes."Cas no matter what happens, at least we know now. How we felt."

"But is that more cruel? Now we know what could have been, and what we can never have."

"I would rather kiss you for five minutes than have lived my entire life never knowing the feeling of your lips on mine." Dean said, his voice dropping low and husky with emotion and want so tangible he could taste it. He leaned down and kissed Castiel again, more passionately this time. The angel responded in kind, kissing Dean as if it would be their last kiss, and for all they knew, it might be. Dean figured they might as well make the most of the time they had. He tugged off the angel's trench-coat and gently pushed Cas, so they lay in the long, soft grass, Dean leaning down over his angel as he kissed him.

"Is this okay?" He whispered into Cas's neck as he lavished his angel with kisses.

"This is very okay." Cas answered back, threading his fingers gently through Dean's hair, tilting his head so Dean had better access to his throat. Dean worked his way back up to the angel's lips and kissed him slowly.

"I wish I could take all the time in the world to love you." He told Cas truthfully, trying to translate the immensity of his emotions through his eyes as best he could. Cas's eyes started to fill with tears again, and Dean kissed them away. "Shh. Let's not think about that right now. Right now, we have each other. Right now is all that matters. Okay?" The angel nodded, pain saturating his eyes.

"Right now."

"Promise?" Dean asked, hovering over Cas.

"Promise." Cas threaded his fingers through Dean's and Dean kissed him again, his tongue mapping out Cas's mouth, memorizing the feel of it, the taste that was uniquely Castiel's. Dean reached down and pushed Cas's suit jacket off his shoulders, and then got to work on the buttons of his shirt, kissing each newly revealed patch of skin as he went. Dean was going to make him forget all about the pain he would soon face, he swore he was going to make his angel feel only the love that they had for each other right at this moment. When he reached the end of the shirt, he gave Cas's stomach one last kiss before sliding the shirt off Cas's shoulders as well, and then Cas surprised him by ripping off Dean's own worn white cotton shirt and pulling Dean back up to meet his lips.

Castiel flipped them over, so he starred down at Dean, a new sort of intensity in his eyes. Cas's hands mapped out his body, running soothingly over his skin, and everywhere he touched left a wake of fire. Dean moaned into Cas's mouth when Cas's hands skimmed the hem of his jeans, dipping teasingly below it. He reached down to undo the fly and lifted his hips to pull them off, Cas helping all the while. When the pesky confinements were finally off, Cas palmed Dean through his boxers, causing the hunter to arch up into Cas's palm and cry out loudly.

"Cas . . ." Dean moaned the name, prayed it, like some sort of beautiful magical word that he thought it was. "Cas!" He said again, louder this time, loving the feel of the name in his mouth, loving the way it rolled so naturally off his tongue, as if it were meant to be there. Cas nuzzled in Dean's neck, biting him gently.

"Dean." his angel answered him. As much as he loved saying Cas's name, he loved hearing the angel say his even more. He started working on the fly of Cas's trousers, and pushed them down off the angel, growling when he started to have difficulty. Castiel smiled and assisted him once again, and then returned his attention to Dean's erection, straining against his boxers. Finally, the angel slid them down and then he sat back a moment, taking time to observe his love. He was gorgeous, in every way. From the large green eyes begging him, to the way he bit his lower lip, to his taunt muscles. He kissed Dean again, a little more sloppy this time, their tongues and teeth gnashing before he pulled back and whispered,

"Dean Winchester you are the most perfect human being I have ever beheld." Where Dean would've normally issued a witty remark, he had nothing. His words left his mouth before he could say them, and there was just Dean and Cas, lying there, chest to chest, all sarcasm gone. Dean pulled Cas down roughly and kissed him harder.

"Mmm Cas I need you."

"I am yours." Nothing said before, or ever since, would ever turn Dean on more. Dean pulled off Cas's briefs too and threw the offending garment somewhere far away.

"Do you know how this works?" The angel chuckled.

"I am an angel of the lord, not some three year old child. Yes I know how sex works." Dean laughed and nipped at Cas's bottom lip sweetly.

"I was just checking, don't get your feathers in a twist."

"Dean they hardly-,"

"Not the point. We need lube babe." Castiel grinned and snapped his fingers, and Dean felt a delicious pressure inside of him. He screamed out, his head pressing back into the soft ground beneath him. "Wha- what was that?" He asked before it happened again.

"Well Dean, you need to be prepared . . . and sometimes those things hurt. But being an angel of the lord has it's perks." He snapped his fingers again and Dean cried out, filled with pleasure. He felt as if he were glowing from the inside out, a cozy, warm heat spread throughout him.

"Cas! Cas stop it, I need you now!" Castiel pushed Dean's legs gently apart and lined himself up with Dean's entrance.

"Are you ready?"

"Been ready!" Dean growled, needing to feel the angel inside of him. "Please!" He begged. Cas kissed Dean deeply as he thrust gently inside the hunter, swallowing his cries. He stayed still and allowed Dean to adjust for a moment before Dean bucked his hips against the angel. "Move." He croaked out. Castiel did. He moved slowly, gently, lovingly. It wasn't the kind of sex Dean was used to, not that Dean had ever had sex with a man before. But Dean had been used to sex that translated need, and then a sort of satisfied hunger. This was different, every touch of Castiel's body translated nothing but pure love. Dean felt like he couldn't breathe from the sheer beauty of it all. It steadily got to be too much, and Dean felt himself nearing the edge of a large precipice. "Faster!" He begged, his hands wrapping around his angel, holding Cas to himself. Cas started to move faster, moaning as Dean cried out profanities.

"Dean I'm going to . . ." He let the sentence die off as he lost himself in the feeling of Dean, cradling him with his warmth.

"It's okay. Let go. Just let go love." And as Cas did just that, Dean did too. They lay there for some time, wrapped up in each other. Dean held Cas tightly to his chest and Cas's hands traced patterns over his skin. They kissed lazily and didn't speak very much, not needing words, so wrapped up in that moment that words just didn't matter.

Then, Dean saw a bright light, and Cas began to glow.

"Cas, what is that?" Cas looked up at him, horrified.

"I'm being summoned away. This is goodbye Dean." Castiel, angel of the lord, put a hand up to his cheek and said those dire words. "I love you, Dean Winchester. I will carry you in my heart for eternity."

"I love you too Cas." Dean said, crying now. "Give Sammy my best."

"I will." And then, the angel vanished, leaving Dean more alone than he had ever felt in life or in death.

**Sam: **

"So . . .?"

"He's not coming back Sam. I'm sorry, and I tried my hardest." Castiel looked distraught. Sam almost thought he should be the one comforting him, and not the other way around, his clothes and hair were disheveled, his eyes were red and puffy from crying, even the way he stood looked dilapidated. Sam stepped forward and hugged the angel.

"Thank you for trying, Cas." The angel held the younger Winchester and actually begun to cry into his shoulder, as he had with Dean.

"I- I loved him, and I only found out after we could no longer be together." He sobbed, pathetically. But if anyone would understand, it was Sam. He had always been the most compassionate of the brothers. Sam patted him awkwardly, fighting back his own tears.

"I know. But you did try your best, and at least he is in heaven, we know he's safe, and at peace." Castiel straightened up and took a deep, steadying breath.

"You're right, I suppose it could be worse."

"Yeah, that's the spirit!"

"Thank you Sam." Castiel said, before vanishing with a ruffle of feathers.

Sam never saw the angel again. He continued hunting and traveling the country in the Impala, preferring to work alone. After having such amazing partners, everyone else kind of paled in comparison. Sometimes he prayed to Castiel, to let him know he was alright, and that Sam missed him. Sometimes he just felt like he needed someone to talk to, and he knew, somewhere in his heart, that even though Castiel never appeared, he was always listening. Castiel, unknowingly, had restored something in the younger Winchester that he dearly needed. Faith. Sam had faith in very few things still, but now he had faith in Castiel. He had faith that people who made mistakes could turn around and do the right thing, could change their lives for the better. With this faith he saved many a life, and grew to become a very old, very happy hunter, with a wife and three beautiful children, Dean, Cas, and Marry, only Dean became a hunter, Castiel a priest, and Marry a firefighter, but all of them very protected by a watchful angel.

**Castiel: **

Castiel couldn't bare to speak to Sam Winchester, but when Sam spoke to him, he listened. He watched over him and his family, and saved them countless times from danger, all the while feeling as though his heart were splitting into pieces. Every time he heard Sam's voice, it only served to remind him of his loss. Of _their_ loss. Overtime, Sam got over Dean's loss. But he always stopped once in a while to smile at the Impala in memory, to eat a piece of pie in tribute. It was moments like this that Castiel couldn't contain his pain any longer, and returned to heaven to plead and plead his brothers to help him bring back Dean Winchester. Every time he was ignored.

Castiel revisited that field in his mind many a time, especially when he got tired, or worn down, when he needed some bit of comfort. He would travel back there in memory only, and revel in the love and warmth that surrounded Dean, only to be ripped away from it when he was forced to come back o reality. He would never see Dean again.

Eventually, Castiel found Balthazar, and he put an angel blade through his back, not thinking twice about the utter betrayal he was committing. Was it really a betrayal to kill someone who had killed your true love? Castiel thought not. After Balthazar was dead, Castiel wondered around aimlessly, doing tasks he was assigned, watching over Sam, and soon Sam's children. He smiled fondly when he realized Sam had named his second son after him. He was honored, and left a feather in the boy's crib and watched as Sam picked it up, and smiled, twirling it in his fingers.

"You're welcome." Was all Sam said to the seemingly empty air around him. The feather hung in the boy's room until he grew old, and when his children grew up, he hung the feather in their room, and so on and so forth. The Winchester family story was this:

Whoever carries this feather will be watched by an angel. He is a quiet angel, and he'll never respond to you. But he is there, and that is why every Winchester lives to be old and happy and safe.

And Castiel watched the Winchester family, forevermore.


	8. Bonus Chapter

**Bonus Chapter **

**Because I can never really leave a story, and my heart is still aching for this one, I had to write just a tiny bit more. I feel like I was watching some TV show, and I never got to see the rest of it even though there were more episodes. It's killing me! **

"Still Castiel? Even after all this time?" One of his brothers asked. Castiel stood, as always, in his trench-coat and suit, even though such things had long since gone out of fashion.

"Please." Castiel felt as if the word formed on his lips naturally now, as if that is all they could ever say. _Please_. He had begged them for literally a century. _Please._

"You know we cannot resurrect the Winchester Castiel." Castiel took a deep breath, closing his eyes in resignation with the words he was about to say.

"I know that brother." He felt as if his entire being was rebelling at the words.

"Then what is it that you want?"

"I simply . . ." The angel stopped himself. He wanted a great many things. He wanted Dean back, on earth, with him. That's where Dean belonged, always would belong, in his mind. But right now he had given up that hope. Right now, he thought of something small, something easily granted. He couldn't stop the next words out of his mouth from cracking with emotion. "I simply wanted to see him again." His brother raised an eyebrow, his arms crossed in front of him.

"Just to see him? That is all?"

"Yes." Castiel croaked. His brother looked around at the fellow council of angels that Cas stood before.

"That doesn't seem . . . too much to ask. You have suffered a very long time, and I do hate to see my brothers suffering." Cas felt his eyes grow wide. He hadn't been expecting this answer, he had been expecting the automatic rejection he had felt for one thousand years now.

"So I can . . . I can see him again?" His brother nodded slowly.

"You may. But not for long." Castiel blinked and he was standing in a field, in _the_ field. it was sunset. He looked around him, breathing in the smell of the flowers. He could feel his fingers and toes tingle. He felt a lurch in his heart, telling him his hunter was nearby.

"Cas?" A small voice asked. Cas turned, and saw Dean, sitting alone in the field, his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around them. "I don't . . . remember this." Dean said, tilting his head to one side as if he had picked up on the angel's mannerisms in the time they had been apart. Castiel felt tears of joy springing to his eyes.

"That's because it hasn't happened yet Dean." Cas told him, grinning a grin so wide he thought it might split his face.

"You mean . . . It's really you?" Castiel nodded and held his arms out. Dean was on his feet in seconds, running across the field and into his angel's open arms. Dean gripped him in a hug that felt as if he were trying to squeeze their souls together. Cas started crying in earnest now, holding the hunter tightly and breathing him in. Dean pulled back enough to kiss Cas desperately, speaking through his lips as they had only a few times before. _I love you._ He kissed him harder. _I've missed you._ His hands found Cas's hair and gripped, Cas's hands came up to cup Dean's wonderful face. _Never leave me again._ He finally pulled away and grinned, wiping the tears of Cas's face, smiling lovingly.

"Dean . . ." Cas didn't even know what he had wanted to say. That he had loved Dean for a century, and no one else? That he hadn't even hoped this moment could happen? That he didn't know how much longer they had, but he doubted it was long? All of these thoughts swirled behind his lips, yet only one word came out. "Dean." The name felt so good leaving his mouth. It felt like he had been crawling through the desert, parched, and the name was water on his tongue, allowing relief to flow through him.

"Cas." Dean answered back, a thumb tracing Cas's bottom lip. "How long has it been? For you I mean? For me it feels like a long time, but I'm not really sure." Cas felt as though his heart would break at the words he had to say next.

"It's been a century." Dean's eyes grew wide.

"A . . .a century? It's been one thousand years?!" Cas nodded gravely at Dean's words.

"It has been."

"What have you been doing this whole time?" Dean asked, sounding horrified. Cas thought back to what he had been doing. Fighting hell, as always. Getting trapped in situations he ought not to be in, making mistakes that cost people their lives, getting punished for those mistakes, over and over and over. He never felt as if his punishment was over, really. He had done some good, too, he supposed. Hell hadn't taken over the earth yet, after all. But over the thousand years, what really came to his mind the most was his breath-taking grief over Dean's death.

"I've been missing you Dean." Castiel answered, not knowing how better to sum up the century.

"Oh Cas." Dean said, sounding empathetic. "Cas tell me you found someone else so you didn't have to spend all that time alone?" But with one look into the angel's deep blue gaze, he knew it wasn't true.

"I have never loved, nor shall I ever love, anyone but you Dean." Dean was crying now, crying for his angel.

"You mean you've been living one thousand years, in complete pain?" Castiel kissed Dean gently, and then rested his forehead against Dean's.

"Not complete pain. I still have my memories, after all." Cas tried to smile a little, if only to fool the hunter. The truth is, while he did have his memories, he would never stop feeling the all-consuming pain that was Dean's loss. He would never learn to live without him. Dean kissed him now, hungrily, his hands finding Cas's face and holding him there.

"I love you Cas. I always will love you. Nothing will ever change that." The hunter told his angel, crying against him, wishing he could somehow keep him here forever, but knowing it couldn't be.

"I love you too Dean." Cas breathed against him, not even knowing the words to say to tell Dean how he felt, once again lost for words. How exactly do you go about telling someone you will love them for the rest of eternity without making it sound false? It sounded like some grand gesture some human would write on a hallmark card. But Castiel actually meant it. "I-," He began to say, about to tell Dean as much, but a bright light flashed and he fell to his knees, his arms empty of his hunter. He was in a white room that was completely empty of anything and anyone. He looked down at his empty hands and feeling the warmth from Dean's skin leaving them all to quickly. Tears fell heavily from his eyes and splashed around his splayed fingers. He should've known better. A moment with Dean would never be enough. It was as if Dean had been ripped from his arms anew. The pain in his heart made him want to crumble up on the floor and never continue on again. He could lay here for all eternity, just playing Dean's face across the walls of this small room.

So that's what he did. With a wave of his hand, he projected images of Dean across the walls for himself to watch. They were memories of his. Memories of pulling Dean out of hell, of Dean filling him full of bullets on their first real meeting, memories of a kiss concert, and memories of the kisses he had shared with the hunter. Memories of stupid things, of fighting over Sam, or the impala, or his angel powers and their limitations. Memories of killing beside him, and feeling that overwhelming sense of belonging in the crappy motel rooms.

The angel lay there, curled up on the floor as he watched his love flash all around him in technicolor images, and he did not move for a very long time.


End file.
